Crying days....

I should probably call it whining days. Today feels like a whining day to me. We had people whine about stuff and it makes me want to whine. Waaahhh!! Hmm, it doesn't feel any better.

We had our last core team meeting, this afternoon. Everything in church went smoothly. I found another person able to teach - that will definitely help us out! Yet, even though everything went well, I felt the unrest in the core team.

Most felt very tired. Many probably didn't feel they grew spiritually, much, this year. Actually, if I analyzed myself spiritually, I'd say I didn't feel like I grew much, either. But as I was thinking about it, I thought, I'm definitely learning patience, and persistence. I'm learning to adjust when things don't go well (which happens often enough). I haven't felt like I could *rest* one moment, this year (at least during church). But, am I not looking for a sense of comfort? I'm looking for a commonness in a typical, old, traditional church. My soul is constantly looking to go back to the norm that I grew up in. It won't happen - or at least, it won't happen for a long while.

So, I AM learning a lot! And if I'm learning to be patient, to hold in my fears about people leaving, to allay my fears about no visitors choosing to stay, then I'm certainly growing spiritually! Why do I measure how I grow spiritually by how good I feel about myself and God? Why do I measure it by how much MORE I know about the Bible? There's definitely moments that I need to increase that knowledge, but why do I minimize the value of my spiritual growth through *practical* measures?

It's taking everything in me to not quit. I daily resist my urges to gossip to someone. I regularly hold back my tongue so that I can listen to other's problems. I'm no longer spending time to feed myself, but spending much time feeding others.

It's tiring. I will need breaks, soon. But, I know those breaks will come, and I have a peace about that.

Dh told the core team that the next meetings we'll have will be leader meetings. He told them that if they don't feel they should be a leader, then they've already done much more than we ever dreamed. We wouldn't be disappointed. They are free to go, with our continued friendship. That was so nice of him to say, but I didn't want him to say it. I wanted to shout, "noo, you can't leave!!!" I don't want them to leave! They mention what bugs them, and they are just tired. I know deep down, they'd just like to go to a bigger church and sit and relax. But, they can't. They're stuck being faithful, here, and working HARD. Setting up, running throughout the service, then breaking down. *sigh* At least that's how I feel. I'm really tired. I don't even do much during the week, but Sunday is so tiring. So, there's my whine.

If I really think about it, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I wanted to hear that from the core team, today. But, I didn't hear it. I only heard that some of them wish to be elsewhere - to get a break. I don't feel that way, and it's not because dh preaches. I don't even get to hear dh preach, so I'm not hooked to him, if you know what I mean, lol. I saw other churches and I don't want to be there. We got to visit a whole bunch of churches before we started ours. I had no connection or desire to become a part of any other church in the area.

So, I know *what* I do Sundays is so much work, but it's worth it to me. I just want it to be worth it to the core team. I don't know if it is for them. I hope we can truly schedule breaks for them, often enough, that they will love ministering, again. And then, maybe they will choose not to leave. I hope it's not a lesson that God is deciding to teach us. I have definitely become attached to all of these families that are a part of our church. Just had to share my low point, today.